Oh December Dearest,
How everyone had longed for your arrival throughout the final stretch, and what-a-you-know – it’s Christmas! A Merry and Jolly to you too.
Strange how an end to a year can encourage self-reflection and personal reminisce of what had happened, what didn’t happen, and how to tweak oneself as we head into the new year. How unfair, that such pressure be toppled upon you towards popular expectations, don’t you think?
December, we had quite a bit of a bumpy ride ourselves, and even though I couldn’t wish it upon anyone else – kindly note it’s not just you. Something’s been dragging along across all months. I’m sorry, I too was seriously looking forward to the so called ‘holidays & festive season.’ I believe there’s a reason why they plonked you here at the end, I just haven’t put my finger on it. Oh wait!
To rest, and be with family and loved ones.
Perhaps share good conversation over great feasts,
with the opening of presents around a decorated tree
and the melody of Christmas Carols filling the air and getting stuck in your head…
You allowed not much of it with the immediate rush from 9h-5h at the disappointing close; into desperately having to assist with Idol’s leg rehabilitation (my horse.) Not to mention family falling ill, and finances dripping dry way too soon; together with all the bits in between. I don’t have anymore expectation, yet it doesn’t prevent others’ to hook their claws at my mere existence. Lessons were learnt, and daily continues. It’s exhausting.
December, I’ve wondered at times whether it’s a pity, to find myself where I am today and who I have become; compared to where I ought to have been. This consideration is not at all being ungrateful for what I have and where I am, don’t misunderstand me. It’s just… expectations, from mini-me many moons ago, are creeping up with remorse seeping around frequent corners. I’m struggling with keeping my heart and mind light, when her versions’ have an opinionated belief to share in each moment. Or, that’s at least what I think it is.
Yes the past years have taught me about the world of business, and the everyday people involved with it. It’s just… a crippling race, you know? With no capital, nor the right people in your pocket; it seems a never ending rejection line as unconventional tactics rarely grab favor without nostalgia. Or numbers.
A strange feeling it is, to feel insignificant and small.
So, I’m writing you this letter to open-up I guess.
How little past concerns may seem to those from the present in retrospect. Last year would be jelly if it gazed our way. I mean, we now know good quality ethics speak for itself in concept, but in reality of living life – nothing is fair trade. Persistence shall prevail. I’m not one to ever give up nor throw in the towel. I change tactics and get good to get better. Perhaps, that’s what’s wrong with me.
There’s been this ever present gloom creeping over my being, which I haven’t been able to shake. Yes, I’ve been morbid before, I’m aware of the odd day off-and-on. This is different. An ever present somber veil; following me where ever I go. It’s followed my writing and bleeding through the words. I’m rattled as hell to say the least, and doing my best not to show the others.
Mental health hey, it’s a bummer. Not only messing with my mind, but now my physical body and sleep as well.
Yet, as with everyone else – the show must go on.
The wheels need to keep turning as the clock continues to tick along.
December, not to push it, but I hope your last remaining days have more for me. Be it insight to act on for the next year’s outline, or another schweet unknown. You know I can take it, just… be kind please.
I mean, I haven’t really had anyone to talk to, so, thanks for taking a moment to be there.
25/12/2021 – Saturday | Prelude to a New Year
or – A letter of recurring thoughts.