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Exhale, Inhale
Exhale, Inhale

Exhale, Inhale

I find myself, mentally, at the same spot constantly. No matter the efforts of optimism, positivity nor go-getter attitude with a smile I’ve had within the times in between.
It’s like an elastic band, pulled and released, smacking back at the same spot.
Like a Frisbee, without any obstruction, returning to the same space of release once thrown.
With each effort exerted going forwards, I’m only pulled back to the remarkably dreary reminder… that things are not OK.

The awkward glimpse at a deja vu. If we really had to nit pick, had we not just gaslighted all the troubles, with essences of distraction because we could afford to do so?
Once out of sync with the system, having the need to take account of every penny, it’s ridiculous how as a lost soul you could get left more behind from the immediate rush towards experience and luxury. No matter the efforts to keep up.

Siestog, and shame, it remains my choice on how to react towards what Life throws at me – right? No matter the amount of changed approaches, nor hyped up numbness set on the bench. It is I that decides to be here, and experience this… Right?

I’m carrying this thing, and doing the required stuff alone, yet – I am not alone… He’s apparently in this with me. Yet, the efforts aren’t balanced the moment you start compiling a list of the coin you look at. But love is about being unconditional, no matter the circumstance or manner of communication, right? It’s not about making money and living through balanced efforts, but being together and grow old holding hands… right?

Consider becoming the type of energy that no matter where you go, or where you are,
you always add value to the spaces and lives of those around you…

I can’t live and work for two people, whilst still wanting to achieve my own goals and successes whilst considering rest and selfcare within the entire time. I’m personally overwhelmed by the responsibilities piling up, whilst my arms are being tightened behind my back whilst my face is thrown with water every more often than not. Talking about it, throwing advise and trying harder, isn’t working. Getting family involved, or quarrels with misunderstood others’ didn’t flutter feathers hard enough for any change either. I’m tired of talking, with lil much doing followed after.

Be it a system that’s crippling by design, or feigned efforts no matter the attempts… I hate where I am right now in mental capacity. I cannot seem to shake it and it’s been years dragging a long with me. I cannot pretend it isn’t there, eating me alive from the inside. And I have noticed the dimming spark of it all.

I guess all I could do now, is keep breathing at least grasping to hope for the future. But by when is that hope more harmful than good? How much more of myself am I willed to chip-off just to keep us afloat? The idea is merely so, unless acted upon.

Where’s your effort? Why am I even left to ask?

Exhale, Inhale.
Exhale, Inhale.
Exhale, Inhale.

Mental health is but a multicomplex maze, we all constantly get lost in.
But, is it an excuse, or a valid reason, as to why we are where we are today?

Here’s one question : If I had to (re)act the way you do to what Life throws at me, where would we have been then?

I’m sickened by the capacity of a crippling system to ruin relationships through status, money and power. Whilst every other mongrel is actually one of the many trying to keep (it) afloat to just survive another day., unknowingly feeding the sly foxes within society.

If there is no money, how do you cope without the numbness of it all?
I’m a bit more than just overwhelmed at this point.

Is it well with my soul?
I think not.

Exhale, Inhale.
Exhale, Inhale.
Exhale, Inhale

RJ 13.03.2022

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