I see the sun go down on the river
I feel the wind blow out, would’ve stayed to gray
I feel the air around you, it’s kinda closing in
Do you feel it fall, or do you feel at all, I can
I see the world keep moving as I stumble
They seem to move much faster than me
And while I sit in my four cornered room
Dividing hearts for a little girl
Well I can’t be anything but who I am
|Blue October, The Feel
What is the sense of control? Is it having the correct amount of frameworks and principles in place – allowing each task to be executed effectively and as efficient as possible – within any given circumstance, at any particular time? Or is the amount of influence we can effectively practice over another, to encourage self interest and work efficiency to ensure a developed eye for detail towards a grandieur end goal? Is control knowing what you do, and what you have to say has meaning to those listening ( or shows interest of value to those needing to hear…?)
I ended my February (two weeks ago) with a particular highlight – spending time teaching kids how to horse ride. Oh my HAT!! Much fun, Such excellence and try hards. Such enthusiasm and courage and bravery all mixed within one delightful hour with these two. Being involved with horses; taking care to take note of their personalities and preferences… Interconnecting the ST- listening to the horse and rather have a more active conversation with them; really made being at the Yard so much more of a crazy experience. Each one being such a beauty; and noticing how their attitude adjusts the moment they know there’s a lil gurl on their back… Oh my, can they be so sweet and patient. And talk about careful!
Not to mention these kids! WOW! NEVER underestimate the ability of a child to think, apply, learn or develop a curios questioning nature – to apply the correct standard for effective results. It’s all a matter of the teacher to tickle their fancy and grab their attention for just that lil bit longer and deeper understanding and try-hard attitude. So Adorable…
Loved EVERY moment of that 1h. Both horse and kids where amazing.
Upon reflection though… The lesson had been great. Both riders and parents loved the detail, the enthusiasm, the encouragement, and the teased growth. The horse being too careful at times to a bit sneaky cheeky here and there, had all been development towards the dance we have once we are interacting with these four legged beauties.
Being able to teach again, had its own canned-beans opened. LOVING it! I mean, I haven’t taught in years; yet I was able to reflect within the moment and catching similar details once hammered into my own riding lessons many moons ago. I was able to muscle memory the tasks at hand, analyse what we needed before the following things could be done ( eg. walking balance, around the world. a bit of walking steering. Getting those legs strong and the balance in order within the body. Allowing the RIDER to develop their own confidence within their capabilities of riding – BEFORE allowing them to take over the wheel completely towards the next level and speed a like…) Such fun, as I said.
Yet how interesting. I haven’t been involved in teaching for years. I haven’t been actively involved with tasks, horses and or other for a while – and here I was; able to trust my knowledge and capabilities from well taught coaches and mentors, to influence a good lesson for both rider and horse. Not gonna Lie, I learnt new things within every moment too. I am unable to explain how I was able to just zone into the moment and know what to say, or what to do on que… or how to change strategies with a tweak here and there – to allowing the student to become the teacher at times. The child-like-rider-excitement had only been dormant; and I am struggling to hide the enthusiasm every time I visit the yard now.
A moment of appreciation… To the old Me’s who where the ones that got.me.here. The ones who knew where We wanted to go. To keep Our toes pointing forward, no.matter.what. I have come to realise though, that as an influencing personality – we ourselves get influenced too easily by others. We get to UNDERESTIMATE our OWN capabilities, talents, capabilities through the constant lense of others’ expectations of our doings.
I see this within my underestimation for the above mentioned Lesson success ( I have more booked and lined up for the weekends to come. YAY ME!!) That truely means I did something right, and trust me – I did have my doubts. “Would I be still as good? Or even good enough to still teach on behalf of others more Officially qualified?” Oh how the over thinking classifications can cause such dread afterwards. Useless time spent within doubt and fear.
‘Cause fear in itself
Will reel you in and spit you out
Over and over again
Believe in yourself
And you will walk
Now, fear in itself
Will use you up and break you down
Like you were never enough
Yeah, I used to fall, now I get back up
|Blue October , Fear
Music really has a way…
Getting back to the point, what is Control? Is it the tools we require to execute the task at hand? Is it knowing how and at what time certain people will do something, to make sure the project runs on time and within the set deadline? Is control, knowing how to manage a client’s expectations of what lies ahead and perhaps discuss relevant time-frames within a conversational manner; raising the uncomfortable plausibility of inaccessible site restrictions or delayed shipments or accidents causing hours’ delay with loadshedding – to at least INFORM them of the stuff at flow – and NOT effectively keeping them at a need to know basis, leaving it to a get it done – or else attitude?
What is control, when there are regulations and standards in place, yet you have those individuals willing enough to go above and beyond to jippo the system and push it over past the limits? ( eg. over loading a truck causing damage within a paved estate with restrictions. To allow it and keep quiet, or not. Or To expect more optimism from an individual when all you do is attempt to crush their Spirit at their every attempt to do so. )
Control, may be interpreted in many ways – depending on your semiotic understanding and contextual application.
Perhaps for me, it’s being able to make quick conscious, and subconscious decisions at any given moment or intense circumstance – without failing at your own sense of integrity and work ethic living standard.
Don’t get me wrong – control IS LIMITED. Be it at home vs. at work vs. management office vs. with someone else’s horses and kids vs. owning up to responsibility and doing work well.
However, what happens when you get blamed for failing. For slacking. For focusing on the wrong things. For going your own way. For being weird but it works every.time. For not being fake. For not being a sneak and a sly fox. For not wanting to harm, or do wrong… That’s when any sense of control fades, except for your reaction towards the situation. It’s what you can make of the moment now, not before right not – but now. How can you change now to make it better…?
Be reminded, there’s this line – upon which others thrive to drive you and your spirit. It’s your choice whether it’s influenced you good or badly. Keeping that in mind, choose your battles wisely no matter how hard the choice may be. Sometimes, not matter what you do or what you try or even the different semantics you use – you will not convince the other : because they already decided they will not be convinced by You.
Within that moment, breath -take a step back and become passive. This battle is not worth your energy or emotional effort. Should you know with absolute truth, you have been accused or treated within the wrong, take that step back. Be the bravest You you’ve ever been to become the Best you You can within that moment.
It’s weird, I oddly feel extremely proud of myself. I really did good to get to where I am now. Trust me, I Fu*%ed up big time before. I have been the spoiled brat who got everything she ever wanted, I’d been the one who had been just that good at speed and particular sport it made others turn mean towards me. Yes, I may have had an extremely informative few years at university and some family extremes and relocation… I’ve dealt with stresses not many in their 20’s had to deal with, oh I can make a list. But it’s rather funny, to briefly skim through these memories of hard work and dedication; and extreme management – to self management, and of course everything in between!
It’s really the ice below sea level that get’s people to where they really really really wanna be at. That level of dedication takes real grit. I solute You for having it. I solute you for understanding what it all is about.
Within February, the dedicated month of self love and awareness – I really learnt about making each connecting and communication attempt count (as time is precious and of the essence.) I’ve learnt – that by over working, one can set a target not easily met unless people become numbers instead of staying prosperous referral opportunities. I’ve learnt how each of us can zone ourselves into a moment to be as effective and efficient within the given set time. (And only some other individuals will be willing to push that little bit more…Just because…?) I’ve also come to note how distractions could lead one off course quite easily and how difficult choices do become the norm within a high pressured environment.
What if the memory turns a blur, when you start to hope for more specifics towards improvement? What if there’s only emotion behind the memory, not the clear understanding of facts by either party? What if even though you have all the structures, all the frameworks, even the To do’s and don’t, with the right amount of prospects reached, or the right amount of progress required within a set time… What if even with all that – and more – the desired result just doesn’t surface? What if when you thought you had control, and that This would work! but then one moment too soon, it all spun out of control, and you seem to have nothing to show for your efforts?
How do you react when there’s no control? What’s your mind, thoughts and emotions like? Reactions vs rational behavior? What about the feeling of disappointment, that things aren’t actually as it should be, due to something you had no control off in the first place? Would you say you are still to be held responsible for it, even should someone else with the correct control could’ve influenced the correct difference – but didn’t?
Control, or the sense and application there off – is a tricky topic.
All I can best hope for, is to control how I allow things to affect Me. To browse through the memories of the older Me’s and learn from them to become better versions – with everyday being a new day for opportunity to change. And to hope that You will do a similar exercise of self reflection – to influence wonderful connections and conversational experiences with any and all living being we get to meet.
If you had to think back, what do you remember as a most impact moment within your February 2020 ( with the extra day 29th ?) Did it also have as many layers to it?
Love to hear from you.